Cat On a Wet Slate Roof

OLAHF perhaps damaged its brain when it hit the cat flap. Otherwise Myself cannot account for its behaviour during the early hours.

We were all awoken most horribly by a herd of galloping horses on the roof. On close inspection (was just getting light) it proved to be OLAHF. Had discovered how to reach the roof and was racing along the top, occasionally slipping on the wet slates and having to scrabble to regain its position. When it reached the chimney it turned around and charged back to the other one. (A new version of cricket that He plays occasionally??)

They tried to coax it down with bits of roast beef with no success and in the end She opened the bathroom window and waved the shower around. Made everyone else wet but couldn't quite reach OLAHF. By now though it had had enough exercise and slid neatly down to the gutter and on to the conservatory. Saw the assembled company and panicked and launched itself towards the ground. I think She saw what happened to Her precious rockery as there was a muffled scream (and appalling language) from the bathroom.

They spent a couple of hours this morning putting the rocks and plants back again.

OLAHF is nowhere to be seen. Luckily.

Third Time Lucky

At least the magpies are happy. Finished off TB's rat with great enthusiasm. (Reminds Myself of the terrible joke She sometimes recounts after several drinks too many. 'Tis about a giant oyster competition.)

OLAHF bumped its head yesterday. It might be turning into the most enormous and fluffy mog Myself has ever seen but its brain hasn't grown one iota. Was racing around at top speed - again (Why?) - and apparently suddenly remembered something terribly important inside its house. Unfortunately failed to remember that it is no longer the tiny kitten it once was. Only the front 2 legs made it through the cat flap and the rest stayed outside. Have never heard such a horrible sound as its head made on contact with the surround of the flap. Spent a long time sitting down afterwards. Seems fine this morning and is rushing around as usual.

Missed It Second Time Around

Out Myself went to the site of the Rat Hunt when the sun had warmed things up a bit. Hoped to test the carcass - (Some of these country rats make quite a nice snack) - but it was nowhere to be seen. Obviously hadn't crawled away by itself since OLAHF aka NLF had dispatched it with a single hit, but Myself could find no trace apart from a gentle aroma in the grass. Then spied TB throwing up. Mystery explained.

Waste of what looked like a good rat. Shall have to wait until the weekend when He will no doubt move the chicken pen again.

Missed It!

Yesterday He moved the chicken pen. Only wish He had told Myself in advance as could have then helped by destroying the rats living beneath. As it was I only noticed when there was a slight commotion just behind Me and turned to find big rat with OLAHF in hot pursuit. Moved just in time. (Gosh OLAHF can't half shift. Hit the rat within 4 strides. One down and 2 or 3 to go.)

Shall mosey out later this morning and test the remains.

The Bad and The Good

Tried to help Her in the bathroom this morning. But with mixed results. Sat in the bath hoping for a drink of water but She hadn't noticed and turned on the shower. Nasty hissing sound and then Myself was squirted. Leapt out with less than My usual agility as paws were wet and slipped on the edge. Back in again. Hot this time. Was scooped out and dried and cuddled loads. Murmured over with enormous affection and scrubbled in all the best places.

Last part was great but not so great that Myself will try it all over again.

Come-Uppance

OLAHF (aka NLF) put an end to CM's smirking. Quite by accident as OLAHF simply doesn't know how to be unkind, but t'was a glorious come-uppance nonetheless:

CM had decided for the first time in weeks to have a gentle stroll outside its very over-the-top conservatory and was part way down the garden. Stopped to investigate a large frog. Enter OLAHF at great speed over the side fence, legs moving so fast they were but a blur. The frog saw what was coming first and jumped upwards, hitting CM neatly under the chin. CM went straight up in the air and came back down where it started, putting a paw on top of the frog and taking off again when it felt the damp squirminess. OLAHF braked hard but not anything like hard enough and hit CM amidships with a resounding and echoing thud, sending it rolling into the pond. In company with the frog. Surfaced very wet and miffed. OLAHF tried to say sorry but got thumped. CM snarled very nastily in a vulgar manner utterly different from its usual sniffy and superior manner and dripped back into the conservatory where it sat on a pile of newly ironed clothes.

OLAHF came back home with Myself for a snack and sympathy. (Not cream crackers.)

Rocks and OLAHF

Autumn has arrived. Wet and windy. Take your life in your paws walking down the path at the end of the garden as those pears feel like rocks especially when they fall from the top of the tree.
TB - for once - does not like the taste.

NLF needs to be re-named OLAHF (Our Large And Hairy Friend). Grows taller and more fluffy every day. Bet TWWLUTR didn't bargain on having something that size galloping around at great speed. Has already banned it from CM's conservatory (Much to the relief of CM) as it head-butted an orchid when it was chasing a butterfly. She re-planted it in a rather less valuable pot and put it higher up. Muttering all the while. CM merely smirked.

No Accounting For Tastes

Thought there was something wrong with the final 3 cream crackers I tested yesterday. Not quite the same glorious taste. Much less pleasant in fact. Sorry to say they made Me extremely unwell. All over the back garden. Several times. Rather an unappetising mess. TB on the other hand was overjoyed and gobbled up every last soggy crumb. Didn't even appear to mind (or notice?) that there were a few kitty hairs and bits of tuna flavoured jelly among all the rest.

Didn't fancy watching the rats so went to sleep in flower border.

More Soggy = More Delicious

Yesterday evening She did the shopping and He opened the cream crackers packet. So kind of Them both to think of Me - Left them on the kitchen table when They went into the lounge to watch television. Hmm. Was not so sure about the crackers at first. But they grow on you with every mouthful. Initial attempt was almost a disaster - Lovely smell, good taste, but so so DRY. Spat it out and had some water out of the sink. But the aroma kept calling to Me so tried the crumbs again. Still rather dry but swallowed some although most fell back on to the table again. But then I discovered that those crumbs were nice and moist by now so tried again. Worth the trouble indeed. Tested a few other crackers, all of which were inedible until I had tried them 2 or 3 times by which time they were deliciously soggy. (Apart from those that fell to the carpet. Too hairy by half.) Kept popping back all through the night to test a few more. Sorry to say that in My enthusiasm I left rather a mess. Tried to clean it up this morning but was rather too full of cream crackers to enjoy them any more so pushed as much as I could into damp little piles.

Out to inspect the rats.

(Wonder how He manages to eat so many without having to drink some water?)

One Fed, One Still Hoping

Those rats beneath the chicken house must Be Dealt With. Was keeping watch in the dry grass in a sunny patch yesterday and I closed My eyes for a second at which exact moment one of them had the audacity to wander in front of Me. Happy and well-fed it was. But Not For Much Longer.

Unfortunately He finished off the cream crackers last night after She had gone to bed. Put the empty packet in the re-cycling bag - Can't quite reach that as 'tis hooked on the back of the old pantry door. Had a careful search for crumbs on the carpet but nothing doing apart from the wonderful smell.

Just About Back To Normal

Nice and sunny yesterday afternoon and I felt much improved so wandered outside for the first time since The Flood. Chillier than it looked and the grass was wet which is unpleasant for My paws and reminded Me of the Cause of My Snuffly Nose. (Feet cleaned up nicely though. Left the claw clippings neatly on the bathroom floor. Daughter's duvet is slightly stained where I sneezed so many times but am sure it doesn't show much.) TB welcomed Me in its usual charming manner and NLF rubbed heads. (Heavens that little kitty is growing and growing. Very fluffy and has the most enormously long legs I have seen in ages. And has a tail to die for.)

The rats are contentedly digging under the chicken house. Will soon put a stop to that. Probably on Saturday when He moves the pen.

These cream crackers are very interesting. In the last 3 days He has eaten most of a packet - Mostly when She has gone to bed and He is finishing the washing up. He is very careful not to drop crumbs so they must be delicious to the point of keeping them all to Himself. Shall have to make a Plan so Myself can have some too.

Some Falls and Some Doesn't

Am nesting beneath Daughter's duvet among the clothes, papers, tea spoons, et al. Nice and warm if a trifle knobbly. Still sneezing occasionally but on the mend. No doubt helped by last night's smoked salmon. (Some fell on the floor as She was preparing it. Thanked Her very nicely and some more fell down.)

There is a packet of bikkies in the cupboard called 'cream crackers.' The 'cream' part sounds intensely interesting. He likes them a lot and crunches happily between mouthfuls of tea but hasn't yet realised I am waiting for crumbs by His feet though He occasionally scrubbles me with His sock. Shall have to investigate when no-one is looking .....

Soggy Moggy

Myself is not at all well. Caught a horrid chill after the fracas with the kitchen goldfish. And She has taken to calling Me a Soggy Moggy. Left most of my dinner on Her new underwear in consequence. Wish Daughter were home. She would know how to treat Me.

Have not felt like going out for a couple of days, especially as the weather is not what it was. Distinctly colder. But TB and NLF are keeping an eye on things. Apparently the rats are moving back under the chicken house. That will be fun when Myself is fully recovered.

Snuffly

Not happy. Myself has a nasty chill and snuffly nose from the drenching last week. Have been shut in the kitchen (albeit with a comfort blanket) because She says I snore. (Has She heard Herself I wonder?)

And Daughter is about to leave Us once again.

Life is not pleasant at the moment.

Wet

Ah. Big Mistake. Attempted to discover how the kitchen fish change colour. Very friendly they were, sticking their little black and orange noses out of the water and smiling at Me. We were having such fun together - They were nibbling at the tips of My whiskers - so I dangled a paw in the water for them. This prompted a game of hide and seek behind a rock and I am sorry to say I became slightly over-enthusiastic.

Her and Him laughed far more than was required at the trail of wet paw prints and drips from the kitchen. Until They saw the flood.

Why The Fuss?

What is it with Them? Why the fuss?

Didn't much fancy breakfast yesterday (No jelly, just chunks) so asked very politely for lunch. To no avail. (Used to think He was being difficult but am forced to the conclusion - after 14 years - that He simply cannot understand. Most sad for Her.) Waited a little longer but still no food so went out and caught a baby rat. Removed the head and tail and ate the rest under the kitchen table.

Daughter came home a few minutes later. She can always be relied upon to produce food (usually from the fridge) so I put the middle of the baby rat back on the carpet and sat in eager anticipation. Big let down. She went upstairs, collected some things, gave Me a quick scrubble when She saw the bits of rat and went out again.

Very hungry an hour later so finished off the rat.

Daughter and Her came back at about the same time and I heard Them discussing who was to clear up the rat. It was a good feeling to be able to show Them Myself had already done it but then there was such a kerfuffle as Myself has ever heard. Why?

Cause For Joy and Other Birds

Joy! Oh unfathomable joy! Daughter is returned to Us. We all celebrated with steak last night. Lots and lots of it. Even He didn't finish His piece, and I tried hard to help Him out but She put it in the fridge before I could get to it. With luck He will forget to shut the door properly this morning and I shall hook it out with a delicate claw. (Tried that once with some cream but it tasted nasty and hairy when it had been on the carpet.) They also celebrated with some scrumpy cider. Rather too much of that too I think. They were mumbling words like 'Cheddared' and 'Oops-a-Daisy' as They all tried to leave the kitchen at the same time.

'Tis amazing but the blackbirds have produced a third brood. The 2 babies are following mum around and pecking (indiscriminately) at apples and anything else they find on the grass.

One of the chickens has discovered the white grapes on the vines by their pen. He feeds the silly birds each morning and 2 are quite happy to eat what He gives them but the biggest one nips between His legs and gobbles as many grapes as it can reach. This morning it had to jump quite high. Jumped even higher when He threw an old courgette.

Ones

One or two wasps around the windfall apples. Must take care not to tread on them. Pears are coming along nicely. Hit Him on the head when He forgets to duck.

TB is in disgrace - It ate the one and only ripe fig. Or at least, tested it and left the bits on the ground.

Dust & Daintiness

NLF got itself back to normal grubbiness by rolling in the dust bath the chickens had made. Had to politely request a chicken to move out of the way first. Silly thing went off in a strop with a squawk, and shook itself violently sending dust and dirt in all directions.

Haven't seen CM in its garden in weeks and weeks. Sits all day in its over-the-top conservatory scoffing dainty morsels from an antique Royal Worcester china plate. Can't bring Myself to tell TWWLUTR that instead of drinking the milk she so carefully provides, CM drinks from the charming little water feature in the corner.

Thanks & No Thanks, TB

TB called round early today. And found the grapes that had fallen from the vine with NLF. Tidied them all away most carefully. (Was extremely careful not to touch any of the windfall apples that rolled out of the wheelbarrow. Wheelbarrows are not designed to be clambered upon and sat in by geriatric beagles.)

TWWLUTR had been away for a couple of nights and took just one look at NLF after it had been so thoroughly linked clean by TB. Poor thing got dunked in the kitchen sink. Some time later it crept round the corner of My garden smelling of lily of the valley soap and with its fur sticking out in all directions at once. She had washed it with her guest soap, rubbed it with a towel and then dried it with a hair dryer.

Sad

So very sad. We found a dead badger in the lane. Had been hit by a car. They picked it up and took it away. But we had a good look first. Black and white speckles in its fur and a long elegant head and really leathery paws. And when We inspected its claws we could see how it shredded the corn so easily. The Badger Man told Her it usually lives on things like earthworms it digs up from the ground. Said he goes out at night and watches them play. Not so different from all of Us after all.

Fishes and Flattening

Fascinating. The baby fish (not so baby these days) in the kitchen are changing colour. Two of them She caught in My pond and they were a sort of darkish boring brown colour. One of them is now very pale and the other has a black stripe down its back and is golden everywhere else. Shall have to have a much closer look.

What little that was left of the corn was completely flattened by the badgers last night. He is not at all happy but at least it means She won't be trying out a recipe for apple and sweet corn soup. (He gave most of His apple soup to the chickens and is still hoping She won't produce any more.) (They didn't like it much either and trod in it.)

TB disappeared for a day and is now returned to Us - Much slimmer and with absolutely no desire to gorge on windfall apples any more. NLF was still sticky when they got together but TB adores grapes and licked it clean for hours. Its long fluffy fur is now about as flattened as the corn.

Fallen Apples and Grapes and Cat

TB has gut ache. Stomach is all swelled up too. Apparently it tried eating too many of the windfall apples.

The vine in the greenhouse is not as it was. NLF was following a butterfly and needed to climb the grape vine. Disturbed huge clouds of whitefly that made it sneeze and then it slipped. Grabbed for a bunch of grapes to save itself but they got dislodged. So was NLF. And various other bunches and leaves as everything descended to the ground. This morning NLF is all sticky where it landed on the grapes and squashed them.

Big In Many Ways

The badgers were not impressed with the previously frozen sweet corn. Stomped all over the place looking for fresh ones last night. (Gosh, have they got enormous front claws.) Why don't they eat the apples like everyone else?

The local foxes are getting in the mood. One of them shouted and shouted last night. (Was going to go over and ask it to tone it down a bit but it had sharp teeth and a funny smell.)

NLF is terribly proud of its new fatter and fluffier look. Caught it posing in front of one of the mirrors She hangs on the fence to make the garden appear bigger. NLF could only see itself if it climbed on to the urn. Didn't do much for the flowers in there and it fell off.

Fruit

TWWLUTR has put out countless apples and even some almost-ripe pears for passers by to help themselves. But living on a very quiet lane means that the only visitors so far have been some blackbirds which have had a tiny peck at all the ones on the top. And a small mouse which had enormous difficulty climbing up the side of the basket and then disappeared inside among all the fruit. (Saw her yesterday afternoon putting those at the bottom of the basket. Surprised the mouse she did.)

Just about every other blackbird from miles around is in Our garden feasting on the fallen apples. She picked lots yesterday and made crumbles and pies and even soup. (Soup?) He picked all the corn apart from the badger-shredded ones. (Have a horrid suspicion She is thinking about apple and sweetcorn soup.....) But They thought of the badgers and left out a couple of cobs They found at the bottom of the freezer from last year which was kind.

NLF is becoming very hairy. Does this indicate a cold winter Myself wonders?

Eaten

Today He is not very happy. The sweet corn He grows each year has been decimated in the night. Just like the last 2 years. The cobs are broken down and the coverings shredded by big strong claws. And the corn is eaten very neatly. This time though He knows What Is Responsible. Badgers.

Add to this the fact that the only 4 Chretien pears on His new tree have been consumed by blackbirds.

And the chicken soup She made yesterday fell off the cooker in the night. (Had an awful job getting the saucepan lid off.) Tasted good though, even if a bit hairy from the carpet.

I shall spend the day upstairs.

Sticky and Tickly

Quite right. As always. Off They went to another antique fair yesterday. Came back with lots of stuff They had bought too this time. He spent several happy hours at the kitchen table sorting through it, glueing some bits, cleaning others, sticking labels on a few more. I got up there to help but some of it was rather grubby and smelt funny and then I sat on a piece He had just stuck together and it hurt when He pulled it off my fur.

She woke up late today and went to the bathroom as usual. And screamed. Apparently She blew Her nose and felt something running down Her leg. Myself, I just don't get it - Big spiders are fun. Good to play with and rather tasty too.

Off Again

Heavens! They are off early again. Another antique fair Myself imagines. Is still waiting for the steak from last time. Shall go to sleep on the duvet and leave a ring of white hair.