Horrible!

Heavens! They were up and out the door by 5.30 this morning. Horrible. Myself is going back to sleep.

Plus Ca Change

M has taken to staring at TB too. TB likes it as little as Myself. Doesn't like the way it lowers its eyebrows as it squats at the end of My garden and just stares. All fat and hairy it is. With nasty, evil little eyes. Even NLF is unsure and won't go within 2 metres.

My kitchen is awash with different varieties of courgette soup. Since She isn't at work at the moment She spends hours cooking. And since He planted far too many courgette plants (as usual) on the allotment They have dozens of the wretched things. All colours, shapes and sizes. Particularly sizes when They forget to pick them for a day. So far She has followed 2 recipes and invented 3 of Her own. Myself I didn't like any of them but there you go.

Why x 2

What is it with Mavis? Why does it stare? Is making Myself rather uncomfortable.

NLF has discovered an old tea towel which it finds satisfactory for chewing. (TB must be tremendously grateful.) Kicked the cloth to death and then clawed at it for a while before settling down for a good chomp. Left it lying on the path when it went in for a snack so I wandered over to investigate. Wet. With some tiny holes and ragged bits. Can't for the life of Me see what NLF finds attractive in it. Tastes gross.

And all the time am stared at by M.

Looks

Mavis is Not A Nice Moggy. Stares. Unnervingly. For a long time. Sat up the end of My garden last night. Motionless but with its evil little eyes following My every movement. 'Tis very overweight and very overhairy. Not pleasant behaviour for a new resident.

TB has a bandage on its tail thanks to NLF. NLF in consequence has nothing to chew. Looked hard at My tail but thankfully realised that was a Very Bad Idea.

CM has not been seen outside for ages. Appears to have taken up residence in TWWLUTR's enormous conservatory. Just sits inside and looks out at the world in between sleeping and eating.

Calm

After all the excitement, yesterday was tremendously quiet. Must say Myself certainly required a period of calm to recover from My exertions in ridding the area of WII. TB spent some time snuffing around the scene of all the action but didn't come up with anything worth bothering with so lay down and allowed NLF to chew on its tail for a while. ('Tis now tatty and punctured with all NLF's ministrations.)

She took Him into town for a new set of saucepans. Very costly.

Some new people way down the hill have moved in with a moggy. Fat, bad-tempered and over-hairy. Known as Mavis. Not a welcome addition to the neighbourhood. Stares. Don't like animals that stare.

WII Unmasked

The smelly WII (Whatever-It-Is) has been unmasked.

Was - not is - a fox.

TB ambushed it yesterday evening and got it cornered by one of Our old sheds. (Have never seen such a transformation from kindly geriatric beagle to snarling, baying and altogether terrifying brute.) As luck would have it Myself was assisting Him to water the greenhouse and pointing out the small areas He had missed. With great presence of mind He turned around and blasted the fox with a jet of water. Fox didn't know what to do - Couldn't run away because TB stood firm (and wet) - All it could do was snarl and turn its head away from the water. Then She came out to see what was going on. Had a saucepan in Her hand which She hurled at the fox. Just missed TB but caught the interpolator squarely on its rump. Everybody screamed, the fox went straight up in the air and over TB's head and made good its escape. TB is enormously pleased with itself and spent hours on guard last night. (Can't bring Myself to point out that it was I who was instrumental in the whole affair. Would spoil its simple pleasure.)

Doubt We shall see the fox again. Or Her saucepan. It has a big ding in it and I heard Her asking Him for a new set.

Excitement

Great excitement yesterday. A pair of buzzards with a young chick. The 3 of them circled above the house for ages. Have never heard noises like that before - Part scream, part wail. NLF was seriously frightened and hid.

Went to look for NLF when they had gone. No sign of it. But a muffled miaou came from behind TWWLUTR's shed. Silly little thing had got stuck. TWWLUTR was not amused as We had to take down the fence that was only put up again a couple of weeks ago after she pulled it over in a strop. Shame.

The Whatever-It-Is is still around.

Still Whatever

Whatever-it-is-came back again last night. Same nasty smell, licked food bowl and upset chickens. TB joined in the fun by howling.

Allotment looks bad. More brown shrivelled patches. And that smell again. And today half the compost heap is spread around. Also the start of a hole under the chicken pen that He is upset about. (So were the chickens in the middle of the night.) Has moved the pen and nailed up the wire that had come loose.

NLF is growing rapidly but is still as ditsy as ever. Adores TB's tail and happily kills it for hours on end. TB has the patience of a saint - or a kindly geriatric beagle with little feeling remaining in the end of its tail - and just lies down so NLF can reach. Got called in for dinner last night and stood up slightly too fast for NLF who was still attached.

Somethings

Something is eating My food. Each night. And leaving a nasty smell behind. Most Definitely not a visiting moggie.

Something has done for some of His plants on the allotment. (Unfortunately not the courgettes so we are still getting about 10 of those every day.) Yesterday it was all brown and shrivelled and with the same musty smell as is around My (licked clean) food bowl.

Something is upsetting the chickens. Very very early some mornings and also in the night. Lots of squawks but no eggs.

A Desire For Retribution

TB ran away again last night. Daft dog. No reason. Think it just wanted to stretch its little legs rather more than usual. Got lost of course and ended up howling at the top of the hill behind the vicarage. Nobody was pleased. Makes an enormous sound for a small geriatric beagle.

Myself is still trying to find the ideal way to Pay Him Back for flashing the camera and laughing at Me. Acer (on which I landed) is definitely squashed and His new lettuces are extremely limp and sat upon but that is Not Enough. When TB wakes up I shall go ask for suggestions.

NLF's tail begins to look normal. Not so stiff and sticky up and even wiggles a bit when the owner is stalking something. (Often TB's tail which now looks over-chewed and a bit mangy.)

Worse

It goes from bad to worse with Him. As if all yesterday's flashes weren't bad enough, early this morning an ultimate embarrassment happened. And He actually laughed. At Myself. Long and very loud.

Went up nice and early to say good morning while They were still in bed to show that yesterday's incident with the camera was forgotten. Noticed the window was open wider than usual and that there was a broken twig of kiwi vine hanging outside. The smell is Out Of This World. Better even than blackcurrant bushes. So I leaned out to get a stronger whiff. Joy. Just had to rub My face on it. Bad idea. My paws slipped.

Crashed through the kiwi on to the conservatory roof. Sad to say this was wet and gave no paw-hold whatsoever.

Slid all the way to the edge.

Tried to grab the guttering but missed.

Landed on an acer bush on the bank.

He laughed like a drain. Especially at the slide marks on the glass roof.

Although I squashed His acer a bit more, Much More, is required. He must be Made To Feel Sorry. Shall go lie on his new lettuces and cogitate upon the problem.

Flashes

That new camera is giving Him more pleasure than He has had in a long time. Photographs NLF, CM, blue tits, plants, TB - and I must admit, Myself. Was sleeping happily beneath the garden table when became aware that He was prowling around. Opened an eye and was rewarded with a flash. Not pleasant. Kept eyes firmly closed for some time after that but when I looked again the same thing happened. In close up. Shut firmly once more. And then He actually had the audacity to poke Me.

Was too much. Stalked off to the thickest bush by the pond. As I went, felt several flashes from behind.

He Will Regret The Entire Incident.

Eating Habits

The 2 baby blackbirds are stuffing themselves with cherries from My tree. Eat them whole. That will be painful I imagine.

He is awash with courgettes. Happens every year. At least They haven't tried feeding them to Myself. Yet. Is Just As Well. (Is very dangerous when aroused. Karate Kitty strikes again.) He gives the spare ones to the chickens. Who appear enormously fed up with them already and leave on the ground.

The final koi carp belonging to TWWLUTR has died. Tried one of the earlier ones but tasted rather nasty so left it under a bush in her garden. Smelly now as well.

Double and Trouble

Thought that bop on the head from the mother blackbird had done some real damage: Was watching its stupid baby, hoping for a chance to become better acquainted when a slight rustle behind made Me turn around. It was behind Me! Nope. In front. Behind. In front. Behind.

What?

Thankfully not seeing double. Identical twins.

TB has a sore throat. New neighbours held a boozy party that went on until the next day. 4.30am. TB barked its irritation at the general noise and drunken maunderings. Most of the night. Even from a distance We were kept awake. Heard Them upstairs in bed saying They will have to Have a Word and explain that That Is Not How We Do Things Around Here. Daughter was so annoyed She has gone away again.

No Brain

That baby blackbird is most certainly cerebrally challenged. Has no idea that it should remove itself from My vicinity with all possible haste. It was snacking on cherries again under the tree so I went over to have some fun with it. But instead of flying away in a panic it just stood there and looked at Me. Made it difficult to know what to do next. And while I was cogitating its mother arrived. Also got it all wrong. Bopped Me very hard on the head and then shouted at Me.

Somehow it didn't seem quite the right moment to explain that that was not what ought to happen.

A Fracas With Tails

A slight fracas has occurred.

NLF chases anything and everything whether it moves or not. (When it isn't posing in front of His camera.) Yesterday morning it found the end of TB's tail. Spent a long time chewing, kicking and generally annihilating it. TB's tail looked very soggy and dishevelled when it had finished.

Yesterday afternoon it was moseying around looking for more prey and it discovered another tail under the bushes. Crouched, wiggled and pounced. Shame. The tail was not amused and leapt at NLF. Which went straight up in the air, its own silly little tail all puffed up like a tiny bottle brush. When it landed it got thumped. Hard. Twice. CM was not amused.

Posing and Panicking

NLF met Him yesterday. Posed in front of His camera as if it had been trained to do it. Sat and smiled, rolled over, tried to wash its silly little tail and fell over, sniffed at a daisy flower and sneezed. If NLF weren't so cute it would have been sickening.

Magpies still in wait and watching on the driveway. TWWLUTR also still in wait and watching behind Her curtains.

Almost had fun with a baby blackbird which wanted to get at the fish food floating on the pond. It leaned over and nearly fell in but couldn't reach. Hopped round to the other side and tried again with no luck. Fluttered on to a lily pad and almost sank. Worked its way all round the edge and finished back to where it started from. I couldn't stand the ineptitude any longer and came out from hiding to help. Stupid bird brain panicked and flew straight into the fence panel. Fell into the bushes. I wanted to go look and make sure it was ok but She picked Me up and put Me inside. Had to watch from the conservatory. After a while it staggered out and its mum came and helped. Aawww.

Sitting and Watching and Waiting

The magpies are still waiting for another massive hand-out. Noisy they are too. NLF sits and watches them. They sit and watch NLF. TB sits and keeps an eye on NLF. Myself sits and watches them all. Have also spotted Her twitching the living room curtains so presumably She is doing some watching too.

Chez Moi He had a birthday prezzie of a smart new camera. Is delighted and has spent hours and hours and hours photographing anything He sees. I posed yesterday for Him on the lawn. Had to sit and wait for ages while He worked it all out but the end result was extremely flattering. (Rewarded Him with a mouse later on. Ate it under the kitchen table when He intimated He didn't want to photograph it.) She isn't as clever at it as Him - Tried to snap a pigeon on the bird table. Managed it lots of times but the trouble was that every shot was a photo of the bird's backside. Got slightly cross and went back inside to cook dinner.

Outcomes Of An Outcome So To Speak

The sick was discovered. She sat on it. Luckily it was several hours old and had dried out a bit. Went rocketing down to TB to complain They had been feeding Her NLF and Look At What Has Happened. Got short shrift. Was told to Keep Her kitten out of Their house. (TB and Myself were interested spectators. TWWLUTR went very red in the face and spluttered. When She left we were rewarded with some beef. Very tasty.)

In the meantime NLF had rediscovered a (soggy) chicken feather on the lawn and was happily chasing it. Not that it moved much but NLF practised its leaping and pawing skills. Tail still sticks straight up.

There are currently 4 magpies waiting by Her driveway hoping for more goodies. Since they have eaten polished off most of Our soft fruit there isn't much else for them to do.

Further Outcomes

Right again. (Usually am.) Magpies had a busy time digging through the black bags TWWLUTR had put Her rubbish in. It's all over Her driveway again. And more picked over than the stuff in a church jumble sale. This time though there are bits in the garden and down the lane too - Guess the magpies tried to carry some of it off and dropped it.

NLF had tummy ache. Not surprised. Ate a whole one of TB's crunchy biscuits yesterday. Threw up in the enormous conservatory last night. On the pretty sofa. TWWLUTR hasn't noticed yet. Too intent on removing Her rubbish from public view. Again.

Outcome

Awaiting Outcome in the hedge when NLF wandered by. Fascinated by the contents of TWWLUTR's bin that were strewn over Her driveway just as I had been. Had long investigation then joined me to watch. Sure enough TWWLUTR finally came out. And saw. And was noisy. Very very. For a long time.

Everyone else came to see. Myself had been perfectly correct (as usual) and She was horribly embarrassed. Rejected all offers to help clear up and when They had left bundled the rubbish into 3 black bin bags. (Magpies will enjoy rootling through those.)

NLF and I meandered down to see TB. NLF likes its crunchy biscuits. That tiny grey ball of fluff must have the constitution of an ostrich, the amount - and variety - of foods it puts away. Little tummy is often as round as its green eyes. With a minute leg at each corner so to speak.

Awaiting Outcomes

Found the kitchen gloves in the bin last night. (Why?) Tried the fur round the edges but although some slight taste of chicken the predominant flavour was ukky. Left them neatly by the bin. This morning something has emptied the rest of the contents over TWWLUTR's driveway. (Lid hasn't closed properly since She reversed into it.) What enthralling remains of Her life - And She is guaranteed to be highly embarrassed over some of the things that were on public view. Shall go sit in the hedge and await the outcome.

Exhaustion

NLF is utterly exhausted and is fast asleep under TB's floppy ear. (Makes it difficult for TB who hasn't eaten in over an hour but it is such a kindly beagle that it will wait a little longer.) The tiny thing spent hours and hours chasing floating chicken feathers in TWWLUTR's garden.

Every time She thought She had cleared them all up another one appeared. To the joy of NLF and all who were watching. (Several of us - Myself, TB, YP, and CM who has an interesting bandage on its leg where I bit it.) Have never, ever, seen kitchen gloves like the ones She was wearing - Long and bright fuscia pink with dark red fur round the tops.

She dropped the (by now almost unrecognisable) remains of Our chicken at the end of Our garden. Think She's a tad annoyed.

A Successful Hunt

This is most embarrassing. Our dead chicken was buried by Him in the compost heap. But not deep enough. Was dug up again. Partially de-feathered, chewed a bit and left in the middle of TWWLUTR's lawn.

And as if that weren't bad enough NLF then found it. Spent hours stalking and chasing it. (Not that it actually moved, but it kept NLF happy.) It was all wiggles, leaps, pats and jumping away again.

This morning the remains are even tattier with brown feathers floating in the breeze. NLF is over the moon with excitement.

Hunting Unsuccessfully

NLF is getting very excited about the idea of chasing things. Started with TB's tail and graduated to tiny froglets in the garden. Has now taken to hiding and leaping out at whatever passes by. (At least it thinks it's hiding but since it chooses ridiculously small objects to hide behind and wiggles while it watches everyone can see it's there.)

Sad to say one of Our chickens passed away. Rather gross - The others hadn't noticed and walked all over the corpse. But He recovered it and buried it in the compost heap.

New Livestock

TWWLUTR's fish might be dying off but Ours are doing extremely well. Keep flapping around on the surface laying eggs. What with these and all the baby frogs it will be standing room only next year.

Most of the froglets have exited the water and taken up residence in the garden. With all this rain they are very happy and hide under the plants. Makes walking along the bottom of the fence exciting as they ping out from under my paws and disappear again. NLF and TB tried hunting for them but TB is too clumsy and noisy and NLF too tiny (and doesn't have much idea what it's supposed to be doing yet. Myself will have to take it in hand.)

Open Garden Day 3

TWWLUTR is having the most massive strop Myself has ever seen.

The workmen refused point blank to come back and cut off the padlock from Her gate so She pushed at it. Very hard. Padlock remained intact of course but the gate and part of the old fence fell over. And since the hedge had grown through the fence some of the branches broke. She could look on the bright side and realise that She no longer has to walk all the way round the back (several hundred yards. Takes even Me some minutes) to get to the allotments but I doubt She will.

NLF has finally made friends with TB and they spend much of the day mooching around together. Sleeps under its floppy ear and plays with its tail. (Own tail still sticking straight up in the air.) TWWLUTR doesn't like it much but since She doesn't like TB much either there isn't a lot She can do about it. It definitely grumbles under its breath when She appears. She grumbles out loud. NLF takes not a bit of notice. (CM is however much happier now it has that enormous conservatory to itself again.)

And to complete Her discomfort 4 of the 12 big new koi have died and all the rest look rather poorly. Apparently the new pond had some chemicals still in the water and She bought the fish against advice before the pond was ready. The shop man visited. And left. Without refunding Her money.

Open Garden Day 2

When TWWLUTR's workmen left yesterday - by the back gate of course - one of them noticed a padlock on the gate. So he used it. Was the gardener who had been so very annoyed when She wanted him to move the enormous palm tree to a new hole after he had spent ages planting it (and it had stayed put) but he couldn't possibly have known that the padlock key had been lost years ago.

TWWLUTR normally likes Her privacy so has high hedges all round. Consequently no-one got to look at Her garden except through one small gate....... And She had spent pounds and pounds and pounds on plants, hanging baskets, bushes, that palm tree, a positive army of gardeners. Oh and 12 enormous koi.

Our garden was full of visitors all afternoon. Very appreciative they were too of My good breeding and friendly courtesy to them all.

Open Garden Day 1

LWWLUTR had an army of gardeners in from early this morning. Must say it looks cared for but is only a faint copy of Ours. CM and NLF escaped into TB's garden to get away from all the fuss. Not sure TB was any too pleased though - Had just started digging a big hole to hide its bone. CM wasn't happy either - Got a face full of newly excavated earth. NLF needs to be very careful as the hole is already bigger than it is.

The magpies have taken to demolishing Our fruit bushes again. Yesterday They hung old cd's all over the place but I don't think it made any difference.