Holidays and Dead Chickens

Yippee! Has discovered why the lists. They are off on holiday. Brilliant! - Means Yours Truly gets to go to a hotel too. Same one each year.(Is not keen on too much change and this one suits me beautifully: Own little garden with grass laid on, take favourite blanket to sleep on, brand new catnip toy, and NO SENIOR FISH FOOD POUCHES. She cooks her own for me and obviously understands my needs. Not like some I could name. Of course the place is not quite perfect - Other guests there but not of any noticeable breeding. She gives me my house and garden away from them so must surely appreciate my superior qualities. There was rather a distressing incident the first year when a close neighbour spat at me. Couldn't stand for that so taught it a lesson. Difficult through the wire but it was quite pretty with all the little tufts of black and grey hair stuck to it afterwards.) Will continue when I return.

CM is not the cat it once was. But is no longer smelly thank goodness.

Is very excited about my holiday so is off to the compost heap where She put my catnip plant. Still some small flavour left in it if I suck hard. Also discovered part of the old chicken which died 2 weeks ago. Shall bring it in and lay it carefully on the bed as a thank you.

Green Apples and an Early Start

Ah now. Something is afoot. Lists She has written all over the place (More over the place since I slept on them last night.) Washing and ironing left out to air. (His trousers will have to be washed again I'm afraid. He hasn't seen them yet though.) There is most definitely something in the air, (and it's not the gobbet of food I hid under the piano. That's not noticeable as yet. Should be ready by Monday though.) Will let you know what is happening.

And now to Fred and why He took hard little green apples to bed. F is looking really tatty with half his feathers gone and the most unpleasant neck I have seen on a bird in a very long time. So why oh why does it stand in the middle of the garden and shout every morning? Surely can't want more of us to look at it. (CM dropped by last night. Minus collar and minus something else since it came home from the vet. With luck it will be rather better tempered now. Anyway, CM was quite impressed with the state of Fred, thought I was responsible which will do my standing around here no harm at all. Was just about to explain when CM went home.) This morning F started shouting at 4.30 and 10 minutes later He chucked one of the green apples at it so it left in rather a hurry. Left a few more feathers behind too.

The catnip has gone and is replaced with something that doesn't taste nice at all. Wonder where She put it? Shall go search on the compost.

Tail feathers and sick

Rats! The cleaning lady found the bit of senior food I hid under the chair. Just as it was getting really niffy and They started wondering about the drains again. Shall have to find a better hiding place. Though if They bought decent cat food and not those senior fishy pouches I wouldn't be so tempted.

Poor poor Fred. Was wondering why we hadn't seen much of him lately and this morning..... Was snoozing in the roses after leaving a big pile of sick in the middle of the living room just where He would tread in it when He came down to make the morning tea. (Senior fish food, cod flavour. And I know I woke Them up as I threw up 'cos made a lot of noise. Taken years to perfect that particular routine. And boy was He cross when he found it.) But back to Fred: Was post-kiwi-vine snoozing when suddenly became aware of something skulking by the fence. Hiding and shuffling along it was in case it was seen. 'Twas Fred! But only half the pheasant it once was. Is moulting - No tail feathers, just a little stump, and dangly feathers everywhere. When it shakes they fall off in all directions. No wonder it hasn't been around. Must make mental note to tell everyone to come look and laugh. (Also remember to try shaking like that myself. Might spread the white fur a little wider.)

There is no understanding the ways of Them. Last night He took a little pile of hard green apples to bed. Why?

Is off to smirk at Fred who is sitting on the chicken pen trying to kid the world he's a chicken and not a beautiful pheasant with glossy plumage and long long tail feathers..

Stiffness and Red Walls

So stiff these last few days could hardly raise a paw. MM (Maggie Magpie) took full advantage by inviting a friend to eat the cherries. Now the white wall is thoroughly splashed red. Gave me catnip dreams of retribution and vengeance. Is still working on ways to rid us of the Birds. Ideas welcomed.

CM (Cowardly Mog) from That Woman Up the Road is having a bad time with its collar the vet put on (see earlier posting) and hardly ever comes to leer at me these days. Is feeling almost sorry for it. Is horribly frustrating not to be able to reach some parts as I know all too well. The catflap is mended but seems somewhat smaller than erstwhile. Must make note to tell Them.

And also to ask for another catnip. Down to a few almost bare stalks. Shall have to revert to the kiwi vine but that leaves me with such a bad headache.

NOT peanuts and is damp

Believe me, Magpies are most definitely NOT peanuts. Pants maybe, peanuts NOT. Was considering how to be still grateful 'bout the squirrel when that wretched Maggie dropped 3 cherry stones on my head. First 2 hurt, 3rd made me look..... Well, read yesterday's blog. And everybody laughed. Including Maggie.
So today when I got up (all too early from my reckoning, but Fred just wouldn't shut up. Must remember to tell these neighbours that not everybody wants to wake at 4.30am) I thought I would mention the fact to Maggie that she got me on the lips (so to speak) - and all the darn bird-brain would do was shriek and clutter every time I tried to say anything. Woke Them Both up too. And They threw a glass of cold water. Nobody would listen to me at all. Is feeling terribly hurt and un-loved. And very damp.
So from now on 'tis war on the wretched Mag.
Is feeling the need for another shot of catnip. (Seems to be wearing down faster than usual. Hope They notice and buy another.)

Lipstick and Humiliation

That Bird aka the magpie had Better Watch Out. If I can so easily chase CM from the premises then a magpie is peanuts. It might have bopped the squirrel for me but gratitude is not endless, especially when the magpie in question just happens to drop cherries on my head when I am snoozing beneath. Had had my daily medicinal catnip (Make note to ask Them to buy a bigger plant next time) and was happily resting when wham! not 1 but 2 half ripe cherries hit me on the head. Boy did it hurt. Looked up and got a ripe one on my delicate little nose. He and She fell about laughing. And when I saw myself in the pond found my nose was cherry-coloured. Talk about humiliation. Looked like a gin-swigging old bat on Southend Pier with badly applied lipstick.
Hid in bushes for rest of the day and left wet furball on Her clean washing.

Cat Flaps and Collars

Aaaawww. Poor old CM (Cowardly Mog) got taken to the vet. Came back with a very fetching big white collar round its scrawny neck. Owner returned our broken cat flap too.
Am feeling quite heroic as it was all down to me that CM was chased out the house. Must remember to post a message to all kitty mates to come admire CM's new fashion.

Jimjams and Cat Flaps

That Pirate Mog dropped by last night. Waited 'til I had popped out for a quick sniff of catnip (Medicinal. Helps me sleep) and when I returned there it was, slurping in my food. (I know I don't like those senior fishy pouches but they're still mine and most definitely not for the consumption of uninvited guests) Gave me a horrid shock, and the smell it had left on the table legs...... Enough to make me want to lie down. Can't imagine why kitties of lesser breeding are so attracted by it. Makes me all wobbly at the knees.
It snarled, I spat, it growled, I yelled, it yelled back. Shudder to think how much it would have got hurt if we had come to blows but Himself came thundering down the stairs and the Cowardly Mog ran away. (He is not a nice sight to behold in his jimjam bottoms but perfectly harmless. Not like me. Black belt kitty karate me. And studied jujitsu too. And claws always perfectly manicured.)
Anyway CM (Cowardly Mog) hit the ground running, swerved round me, and out through the cat flap. Well, almost. Reached the flap but didn't quite make it through. Ripped it from its moorings and took the whole thing out wrapped around its neck. Hope He finds it and puts it back or we shall have anyone and everyone calling in.
Now off to lie down on His jacket He so kindly left out for me. Must remember to bring in a little prezzy to help Him recover.

Unmentionables all round

Ah now 'tis the weekend again. Such a disturbed time of it I shall have. She does unmentionables to the house and I have to follow round and help put back all the little things she moves. Last week it was my cherished cushion on the left side of the sofa that got it: Took days to dry out and still isn't the same even though I have spent hours wiping my feet and bum on it and replacing all the fur. At least it meant that He had to clean out the washing machine.
Even my garden isn't immune. They stake up the plants I have made into comfy beds and even throw washing up water at it. (So unhygenic. Just think what must be floating around in it.) Better than that yellow snake thing They used last year though. That sneaked up on me so many times I lost count. Used to leave it in the middle of the lawn and let it splash all over the place. Why?
That Woman From Up The Road's Moggy (won't dignify it with the name of cat) is heading for trouble big time. If it comes onto my patch once more I won't be responsible for my actions. Thinks it owns the place and swaggers around like that guy in the films who pretends to be a pirate with too much eye makeup. Makes the place stink. Some felines have no consideration.

Jellied wings and Magrite

Is still not sure why They are so cross but there you go. No understanding Them at all sometimes. If anyone out there has suggestions feel free to share.
That Woman From Up The Road who sniggered so meanly at the BBQ got her come-uppance. Am very nearly pleased with the squirrel who has taken to digging in her perfect lawn. Was snoozing in the catnip yesterday when was awoken with bloodcurdling screams. Quite ruined my dreams of unending supplies of jellied chicken wings flying towards me through a blue Magrite sky til I investigated the cause of the shouting.

Life can be Cruel. Utter disgrace - but WHY?

Is in utter total disgrace. Utter and total.

They had a big BBQ for friends and family to watch the footie and I was invitied. Knew all the comments about fish food and jelly had been noticed. Waited politely for my portion but when They got to the dessert realised They had forgotten. So I helped myself without making a fuss. Knew They wouldn't object as I am one of the family after all. Didn't like the sausage so pushed it to one side; Steak was great but too much to finish; but the chicken........ Yummy.

Should have left the party quietly at that point but just fancied a tad more chicken so hooked it off the table with a delicate claw. That was a mistake. Hunger was my Downfall, but have never heard such a rumpus in all my life just because a guest was still hungry. They didn't want any more and They haven't been feeding me well lately so did it really matter that much that I had an extra tiny portion of chicken wing? She screamed and spilt the wine; He bellowed and threw a bread roll at my head; (Doesn't He know by now I hate bread?) The baby screamed and That Woman Up The Road sniggered. Made a very hasty exit. They haven't once spoken to me since then and I'm back on fish food. Life is very cruel sometimes.

Porky? Me?

Is not happy. Rained on and Fred surprised me in the rose bushes this morning. I just hate the way he sneaks up and then clutters 2 inches behind me. Made me jump horribly.
And while I am the subject of leaping around - Got a really nasty comment a few days back. What does she mean 'porky'? Am very hurt. Would like to see a photo of her on here 'cos she's no oil painting herself. Last time I looked at her the whiskers were definitely droopy.

Still concerned about what They have planned for this afternoon and evening. They went out early yesterday and again today......

Better and Better

Things are going from good to even better. The magpie for once came in useful and, paws crossed, we have seen the last of the squirrel. Got himself bopped on the head for trying to muscle in on the magpie's breakfast. Thank you Maggie.
Now I shall have to find a way of ridding us of the bird. Shall go snooze on the catnip (They took away the cover which makes it so much more comfortable) and have assorted dreams.


Not quite sure what They have planned for tomorrow but it looks ominous........

Utter bliss

Utter, UTTER bliss. The squirrel fell in the pond. It made the classic mistake of sneering once too often, and since I had cleverly positioned myself in the roses, when I leapt, it jumped sideways, and whoosh splash, in it went, swimming among the koi. Sorry to say it came out again fairly quickly though rather wetly and its tail was bedraggled and trailing on the grass.
BINGO !! Corrie 1, Squirrel 0.
Almost as much bliss came from the fact that They have planted another (yet another) catnip plant. They had the idea of putting it inside a drainage tile so I couldn't reach it but I am too smart for Them. Hooked it out with a claw and have since passed an entire afternoon passed out.

Rats with fluffy tails

Oh dear, dear, dear. I should have been more understanding of Their sore heads. All They did was laugh when mine got hurt.
So many years and I still cannot rid my garden of those horrid grey squirrels. There is now a new kid on the block with no manners or thought for his elders. He positively sneers at me so I have taken to lying in wait under the roses. Yesterday it all came to the boil. He made a nasty vulgar sign with his tail and turned his back. It was All Too Much and I floored the pedal and accelerated as fast as I could across the lawn. He didn't see until I was within claw distance when very meanly he leapt up into a tree. My legs were going too fast to brake and I skidded head first into the rear of green house. Oh boy, did it hurt. And everybody fell about laughing at me. No sympathy these people.
I rested all afternoon in one of the sheds on His antique velvet. And sharpened my claws and rubbed fur all over it. Shall have to make sure I leave a furball on His sofa tonight.

They are both in a very bad mood today, wince when I try to talk to Them, and most certainly did not appreciate the little present I brought in, even though I hadn't chewed it overmuch. Tripped over several empty glasses as I went out this morning to leer at Fred.

Footie and Fur Balls

Ah ha. Today is the day John curls up on my sofa to watch my tv. I shall go sulk in the garden from 3.55 and sneer at the baby blue tits. Must remember to leave him a hair ball before I go. A trail of slobbered grass would look good on the green carpet too. He might not notice it.

Slept on the conservatory window sill last night. Boy, did those little pots of herbs taste great. Can't imagine why She wasn't happy though - They looked much tidier when I'd finished. Come to think of it, the blackbird wasn't a happy bunny either. Snackered at me from outside for ages so I curled my lip and went back to sleep. (Bit of a bird brain - Doesn't understand the realities of life and that it can't get at me through the glass.)

Off to lick the jelly again. (Hid a bit of the food under a chair yesterday. That'll teach her to keep keep giving me fish flavoured senior pouches. Last time They thought it was the drains.)