Food Over The Top

Popped round to see OLAHF and tell it about My senior quality food pouches She has bought (Reflecting what is due to the requirements of a Kitty of Superior Breeding) but was aghast to discover it dining off pieces of succulent cooked chicken. Prepared lovingly (Ugh) by the hands of TWWLUTR according to OLAHF. With small fish-shaped biscuits scattered on top. (Over the top if you ask Myself.) OLAHF said there was Nothing she wouldn't do to ensure it stays fit and healthy and happily well fed. Beef stew yesterday and fresh sardines (fresh!! Ha!) the day before. Came straight back home.

Suppose OLAHF will be putting on airs to be interesting now.

Food Matters

Still no eggs from any of the chickens involved in the Noisy Misadventure early last week. (Apart from that one of WOONN's which got caught inside Our hut. Lost a few feathers and was generally beaten up by Ours but is still laying. How come?) He has cut back on kitchen scraps and upped the amount of layers' pellets - which they dislike and tend to leave for Fred which must do interesting things to its inner workings - in an endeavour to jump start them again, and She is muttering as She actually had to buy some eggs yesterday.

Myself is not muttering however as She bought a new variety of food pouches: Full of jelly, most tasty, and obviously designed with Myself In Mind - says 'Senior' on the front. About time the world realised My true place in life is at the top of society as a Most Important Member. (A Kitty of Most Superior Breeding.) (Wonder what OLAHF gets?)

Still No Jelly - Disgusting Slime Instead

Still No Jelly in My food. Why not? At this rate Myself will fade away. There's not even any meat in the fridge either as He and I ate it for lunch 2 days ago. What does She think She is doing?

So hungry yesterday that I was forced to hunt for Myself. With absolutely No Luck whatsoever either in My garden or out on the allotment. Not even a butterfly. Wandered round to the front to see if there was anything there and found nothing but a frog. Patted it a few times but it refused to hop and just wriggled a bit and stayed squatting on the ground. Was obviously not in the mood for playing so wondered if it would taste good. Walked round it a couple of times to assess the best point of attack and decided to come at it from behind even though its back was rather more knobbly than usual. (Big mouth was an odd shape for a frog too.) Approached carefully and gave it a cautious lick to discover what it tasted like.

Funny the way the World occasionally Has It In For Myself so to speak. Was the worst, most objectionable and horribly disgusting slimy taste Myself had ever encountered. Had to wipe My mouth and nose with a paw many times and even then the taste still lingered. Ate some pieces of grass which usually does the trick but all that happened was that (in utmost embarrassment) Myself threw up the small amount of breakfast I had been able to stomach. (Still feel nauseous some hours later.)

Went back in the afternoon to see if was still there. Was. But had been flattened by a passing car. Served it right.

Spiky

The hairy grey cloud in a tempest (aka OLAHF) is a cloud no longer. This morning its fur is all stiff and spiky. Fell in the kitchen drain yesterday just as the washing machine was rinsing. It smells a bit odd too. Sort of flowery with odd undertones of unmentionables.

No Jelly in My breakfast! What is My world coming to?

Slightly Foamy

Fred fell foul of MM too yesterday when it stomped on his baby corn whilst showing off to a Fredette. Was hit by a clod of earth and went straight up in the air with a loud squawk. Fredette appeared more impressed by this than the previous posturing.

OLAHF has returned from a short break away. (TWWLUTR and husband went on a touring holiday in Italy.) All 3 are completely exhausted but the most delighted by far is OLAHF. Celebrated by running several circuits of the garden at top speed like a hairy grey cloud in a tempest. It only came to a halt when it missed the sharp corner by the water butt and ended up in the drain from the kitchen. (Cover was obviously rotten as it broke when Myself jumped on it while chasing a mouse.) Its fur stayed damp and slightly foamy for several hours. (The washing machine happened to be in use at the time.)

No Eggs

WOONN's lost chicken is apparently none the worse for getting shut in with Ours. Slightly tatty but unbowed. Unfortunately all the rest have stopped laying.

The urn was planted up for summer yesterday - And immediately un-planted by Fred who obviously thought it had been done expressly for itself. What it didn't stand on was ripped up and tossed aside. Neither of Them is particularly happy. Neither is Fred as it got hit by the small garden fork She happened to be holding at the time.

Winners - and A Loser

WOONN might be cross but not half as cross as Our chickens. She didn't notice Ours were out and let hers out too. As usual they came galloping across to Our pen to see what was on offer to eat. For a moment Ours didn't notice as they were having a glorious dust bath in a big hole under the horse chestnut tree.

But when they did.....

A moment's silence and then instant warfare and retribution: T'was horrible. The noise. The chaos. The flying feathers and flying chickens. She rushed over to protect hers (Not that they needed any protection as they were giving as good as they got in spite of being about half the weight) and He raced over from the shed (Haven't seen Him move that fast since the time the boiler blew up few years ago) with a big stick.

Squawks all round and He just bellowed. (Had the forethought to remove Myself from the near vicinity in case of accidents and was now an interested observer from the top of His compost heap where He had put the kiwi clippings.) Finally calm descended. Hers had gone home and Ours were left in sole ownership of the allotment. He rounded them up and directed them back to the pen. Just as He shut them in an earsplitting cry came from WOONN - She was one short.

Unfortunately it was inside Our hut having a quick snack. The ensuing riot was very noisy and only slightly muffled from being inside.

Cross

WOONN has a large bandage on her hand and a cross expression this morning.

So do the baby blue tits (the cross expression) as they have eaten every single last crumb of the fat ball on the weeping laburnum. Keep landing, looking and flying off in a huff.

Meanwhile She is still wondering about the tiny (muntjak) holes in Her lawn. We are all getting Very Fed Up with having to listen to Her.

Lesson Time

Now that will most certainly teach WOONN:

She had spent a relatively unprofitable half hour attempting to round up her chickens. As always they were determined not to be put back in their pen and kept skipping neatly out of reach every time she bent down to pick one up. Our chickens were going ballistic meanwhile in their pen - They positively radiate hatred whenever one of the invaders comes nearby and shout and chunter and leap up and down banging their beaks on the wire in a vain attempt to Get Out and Get Them in what would most probably be internecine war.

After WOONN had fallen flat on her face - twice - in Our veggies He could watch no longer and went out to help. Wielded His pole with fleece flag attached with great aplomb and the silly birds all trooped back home. Immediately. WOONN was rather crestfallen and scooped up the final one. Cooed at it, stroked its revolting head, and then kissed it. (Had to avert My eyes.)

The chicken retaliated by pooping all down her (designer) silk shirt and pecked her hard on the hand.

Happy Chickens, Annoyed Chickens and She Is Confused

She found the holes in the lawn the muntjak left. Is extremely confused about what could have made them. Spent ages looking at them and even went to far as to try out various sticks to see if they fitted the holes. Hasn't noticed the rather ravaged part of the back flower bed it went crashing through. Yet.

Why or why do They give Myself meat bits in jelly when They know I cannot stand them? Even the jelly is gross when it has been packed with unidentifiable meat and green peas. Happened a third time yesterday evening. Shall go prepare a big fur ball if it appears again today. (Chickens like the meat though and have quite a fight to get at it.)

WOONN is letting her chickens roam the allotments again. Is most amusing when they scatter in all directions as she tried to round them up. (Maybe Myself should offer to assist?) Our chickens get extremely annoyed when they see hers wandering just outside their pen and kick up a nasty din. Don't think He likes the noise much as He frequently comes out to shut them up. And to make sure hers aren't eating or having a dust bath on Our veggies.

No Manners Or Understanding

Well really! Some creatures have no manners or understanding of a Kitty With Superior Breeding. (Myself.) Was on the allotment helping Him with the final plantings (Corn. And We both hope the badgers don't eat it this year) when suddenly developed a gigantic itch on My back. The fact that Myself rolled over on the earth was to be expected. It was Merely Unfortunate that He had just thrown a worm to the blackbird.

Had Absolutely No Idea the worm was beneath Me and the blackbird certainly Did Not have to use such language. Bounced up and down, shouted, swore and was altogether objectionable. As soon as the itch was dealt with Myself stood up and took a swipe at the stupid bird. Knew perfectly well the blow would just miss as intended (Have excellent eyesight) but it sidestepped and grabbed the rather flattened and hairy worm from beneath Me.

Not only No Manners, but No Trust in a Fellow Creature either.

Visitor

A most unusual visitor yesterday - Little muntjak deer with a gentle, slightly bemused expression on its face. About the same size as TB (which was not impressed as it didn't take any notice when TB jumped up and down a bit and barked a warning welcome) with big eyes and sharp little hooves. Wandered around making neat holes in Her lawn and snacked on the roses and other tasty plants. Had a drink from the pond and pushed its way around to the back and into the flower border. Could hear it crashing around and making the taller plants wobble until it emerged wearing a very fetching arrangement of clematis round its neck.

Awoken. Again

After all the fracas (French) of the previous night She slept for a long time during the day. Woke up to cook dinner (venison to die for) in a really good mood.

Which didn't last as They were both awoken this morning at 5.10am by the bird scarer. 4 times. And again at 6.10am.

The lawn was mowed yesterday afternoon with the help of 2 blackbirds and the robin which kept jumping down kamikaze style to pick up little bugs that were revealed. One of the blackbirds is still minus its tail after it got itself pinned down by His fork - Is extremely lucky it still has 2 feet.

Has The Hump

She has the hump. Big time.

Is annoyed about:
Party revellers going home past our house from about midnight until 3.00am.
The fact that He snored in the night. For a long time.
Fred shouting that it was hungry at 5.00am. For a long time.
The BBC shouting like a maniac at 5.30am. For a long time.
The blackbird which sang something like 'Look in the mirror' followed by a ghastly shriek at 6.00am. For a long time.
ONN's chickens that shouted they had laid eggs at 6.30am. For a long time.
The excitable family of blue tits which 'peeped' almost continually from 7.00am. And are still going strong.

And Myself when I came up outside the bedroom window to commiserate with Her about all the noise.

Prevented From Assisting

One of the baby blue tits fluttered into the conservatory yesterday. Was pinging around, hitting its tiny little head on the windows, falling to the floor then getting up and doing it all over again. Myself immediately trotted over to help but was forestalled by Her who scrambled Me (in a highly undignified fashion) into the living room and shut the door. All Myself could do was to sit on the window sill that overlooks the conservatory and watch proceedings.

In They both came, armed with pond nets which They waved in a random way in the air. (He got in one whacking good hit on the top of Her head.) But the baby blue tit escaped time after time and ended up the other side of the window from where Myself was perched. Heavens, it was absolutely unbelievably UGLY seen close up! She scooped it up and took it outside to where the rest of its family were waiting.

If only Myself had been allowed to assist it would have gone in half the time. Left a big fur ball on the sofa for One of Them to sit on.

Successful Strategy

An overlarge family of blue tits has just fledged. Far too many to count and all quite identical. 'Tis immensely tiring attempting to watch them as they are all over the place. All the time.

Discovered the fat ball hanging in the little weeping laburnum bush on the lawn. All descended on it, knocking each other over in the rush. Standing on top of sisters and shouldering past brothers. Except for one - It disappeared inside the bush and suddenly erupted from beneath everyone else. They all flew off in a panic and it was left in sole ownership of the fat ball. 5 seconds later they all returned so it was forced to repeat the manoeuvre. And again. And again. Several minutes later the strategy was still working well and Myself was exhausted from watching them so went for a snooze beneath the cherry tree..

Stand Off

Absolutely no sign of Fred this morning so at around 6.30 Myself wandered out to see if it needed any assistance. (Really, Myself makes such enormous efforts to be helpful that what happened next was Totally Uncalled For. And I shall think twice before offering help in the future.)

Just as Myself reached the little path between the pond and the big flower border (mauves and blues with a touch of pink and many tall aliums growing through the lower plants. Most elegant) by the greenhouse Fred arrived. Very rushed and ruffled and in a great hurry. Simply wasn't looking and very nearly ran into Me. Stopped and glared. Myself of course, simply stopped and waited for it to move aside. But it stood there, glaring as if I had no right to be there in My garden. (No manners whatsoever.) So I sat down. It glared some more and stamped a foot. Naturally I remained where I was. Then Fred got extremely puffed up and flappy and started muttering in a nasty sort of way, all the time fixing Myself with a very evil eye. (Appeared to be on the verge of an attempt to remove Myself forcibly.) Wasn't going to be spoken to like that so removed Myself from its bad-tempered company.

Within seconds it had its beak in the food tray and was eating as though its life depended upon it.

Trimmings

He trimmed the kiwi vine yesterday. Have a headache this morning as slept most of afternoon on the trimmings. Unbelievable dreams.

Plus Ca Change (French)

TB remains awfully off colour. If it knows it can't eat meat without throwing up then why did it scoff so much at the bbq?

Fred gave Us Our wake up call at 3.30 this morning. Getting worse and worse.

The tailless blackbird brought 3 babies to show Us yesterday. They sat in a row behind their enormous yellow mouths in the cherry tree, all fluffy spiky bits, squeak and no tail. Highly unattractive. Matched by dad which has no tail either and still hasn't quite adjusted its flying to compensate.

No, Not Possibly But Most Probably Another

When He went outside yesterday He discovered that not only had Fred bent the bird table but had also knocked over a tray of baby corn waiting to be planted out. They are very very bent. Fred will be more than very very bent if He can get His hands on it. (Wake-Up-And-Feed-Me call was at 3.45 this morning.)

Yesterday the neighbours had a bbq: TB was not invited but got in on the act anyway. Of course. After it had been forcibly restrained from eating the steak and sausages it went and smiled at all the guests, one by one. Nobody could resist. The upshot was that TB threw up in the middle of the party in the middle of the lawn. Myself stayed on afterwards to help clear up.

And Possibly Another?

Fred is Not Long For This World if it wakes us all with demands for food at 5.30am. Knows very little that bird and comprehends even less, but is All Too Aware of where the food comes from.

And it has sorely bent the bird table by jumping up and down on it as it shouts.

A Tragedy

He passed a while on His allotment yesterday supposedly planting out the corn but in reality feeding the blackbird. Not stupid that bird. As soon as anyone appears out there it's down with them waiting for worms.

As it was rather warm yesterday afternoon Myself was snoozing under a gooseberry bush so saw all that transpired.

He arrived with baby corn plants, a big fork and a little trowel. 20 seconds later the blackbird arrived. For the next 15 minutes He kept up a supply of worms which were gathered and taken back to the chicks. (Some of the worms were so fat it must have been a struggle to poke them down the offspring's throat. A nest full of obese blackbird chicks must be extremely crowded.) Then He got tired and wanted a rest. The blackbird didn't and kept up a slightly annoyed chuntering until He started digging again. But an Awful Accident occurred: The blackbird was impatient for more worms and hopped too close to the big fork just as He dug it into the earth. Was pinned down by one of the prongs.

Of the 3 of us He was the most aghast and yanked the fork free as fast as He could. The bird just lay there, one wing outstretched and with a foot pointing backwards. Still and unmoving, its bright yellow eye staring upwards at Him. With the ultimate irony of an enormous worm within reach of its now closed beak.

A tragedy. He leaned down to pick up the lifeless body. Which wriggled free of His hold, grabbed the worm and tried to take off. Somewhat difficult to do as the worm was gigantic and the blackbird had lost its tail feathers. (Was not a moment for sniggering and was a real struggle not to. Don't think anyone heard.)

Coming Back

The Fragmented Shoe is no more. TB shook it so violently that all it had left was the soggy bit held between its teeth. Spat it onto the grass (at long last realising how gross it actually tasted?) and wandered off to smile at the chickens. Which were not pleased.

The Carpet Cleaning Man is getting very used to coming here. And She doesn't have to ask how many sugars in his tea any more. Personally Myself is not keen on his visits - Makes much noise and a fair amount of steam. And Myself (and Him) is shut out for hours afterwards until it all dries. He has to come back today as he missed all the fur balls I had been leaving under the sofa for these past few weeks.

Slight Mistake and Large Mess

A Slight Mistake has occurred. Was taking My usual nightly drink from the fish tank in the kitchen (Wonderful. slightly fishy flavour) when one of the new babies swam up to investigate My whiskers. Came too close just as I swallowed. So tiny Myself barely noticed it. But She did this morning.

TB unearthed its Throwing Shoe yesterday (Had been buried for some time and is by now distinctly rotted in places) and immediately invented a New Game: When held in the mouth and shaken violently from side to side the Shoe tosses fragments all over the place in a wide arc. Its garden looks as if it has been hit by an extremely dirty snow storm.

Excitement - Followed By Disappointment

Daughter visited and She celebrated by taking her into town and buying more goldfish.

3 of the sweetest little babies for the kitchen tank - (They put the others into the pond as they had grown rather large) - which are just crying out for some attention. Shall go sit and watch later today.

And 4 big fish (Picked out by hand slightly to the annoyance of the girl who worked in the shop who had to perch perilously on a stool to reach into the tank in which the fish were all swimming around very busily) to go straight in the pond. One is a Hitler look-alike with a black quiff and tiny moustache; one silvery; another has an enormous tail; the last one is a pretty dark red and white. Daughter floated the bag on the water to acclimatise them and then carefully cut the bag and let them swim free. Great excitement.

All 4 fish promptly disappeared under the weed and stayed there.

Bemused

Things are moved back into His workshop. To an enormous sigh of relief from Her - Until She noticed the stains on the pale green carpet. (Had only just been cleaned following a previous incident.)

TB met the 2 hairy dachshunds which live with ONN. They are such miserable bad tempered little horrors: Barked, snarled, lunged forwards trying to attack. Threatening with every ounce of their nasty elongated bodies. TB was frankly bemused. Had never seen anything like them before. So it sat down and smiled which made the pair of them totally apoplectic. All feet off the ground at once in their frenzy, nearly hanging themselves when the leads got tangled up. WOONN took them home when people came out to see what on earth was going on. TB sat for a while longer listening to the decreasing barks (only finally stopped when they were locked in the garage) and then wandered off towards lunch.

Events

Marsh marigold had been even more flattened yesterday morning so He hobbled out and sat under the cherry tree to await events.

Event 1: A couple of very unripe, hard as bullets, bright green cherries landed on His head. So He moved His chair.

Event 2: The robin demanded more meal worms by sitting next to Him and fixing Him with a beady eye. Stayed there a very long time and made Him feel highly uncomfortable. Bounced up and down and kept staring until He gave up and called to Her to bring some out.

Event 3: BOF herded its last remaining Fredette into the garden and when it was happily eating sauntered over to the pond and Stood On The Marigold. Wanted a drink apparently. Got an apple core on its rump instead and nearly fell in the pond. At least no-one can blame Myself for the squashed plant. (They haven't noticed the broad beans yet. Had a terrible itch on My back......)