OLAHF + TYK = TSM

The Topmost Speed Mogs are creating havoc and mayhem. TYK's garden is relatively bare but the pair of them moved out on to the allotments - What A Mess: Peas torn down, cabbages stomped upon, branches broken off blackcurrant bushes, Her flowers trampled, chickens reduced to quivering feathery wrecks ..... It only came to a rather abrupt end yesterday evening when TYK caught its tiny paw in some bindweed and somersaulted several times, landing from a great height on OLAHF as it returned from cornering through the courgette patch. Something Will Have To Be Done.

TB is looking slightly mournful as it currently gets little attention from OLAHF and consequently has no-one to lick its ears clean where they have dangled and dragged on the ground as TB follows a scent trail. (Mental note to wait a day or two and then consider the possibility of assisting. Though it will be Far Beneath My Dignity I couldn't ignore a Friend In Time Of Need.)

BND Morphs Into TYK

TB was not much help in planning the Campaign against BND so eventually We gave up trying to organise it. Went to see OLAHF instead. It was very busy chasing the leaves falling off its plum tree but agreed to stroll past BND's back gate with Us to Listen and See if the Lure appeared.

But there was No Sound. No Noises. No yowling, no moaning, no nothing. A Large and Heavy Silence. We sat and waited. And waited. Nothing. Was all very boring. A dry leaf blew past OLAHF and it immediately went into topmost speed mode. Myself skipped neatly out of the way but TB didn't move fast enough. Was knocked sideways by the Whirling Mog. Straight against BND's back gate. Which swung open as TB sprawled into the garden. And came out again as fast as a geriatric beagle can when in a Great Hurry.

The tremendous spitting and snarling no doubt assisted it.

OLAHF was gone. After the leaf. Don't think it had even noticed TB going in and coming out.
TB was gone too. Myself stayed put. Behind the gate post.

After a lengthy pause during which nothing happened Myself plucked up courage and looked carefully round the corner. There was the BND! Smack in the middle of its rather empty garden. Waiting. But not very terrifyingly at all.

'Tis a tiny tiny yellow kitten.

Then its little pink mouth opened and out came the Ghastly Noises. Never in the course of My highly bred and blameless life have I heard such sounds. Deafening and of such wide variety. Then it went into straight-tail-and-jump-up-and-down-sideways-mode-with-its-back-all-puffed-up and came towards Myself. Patted Myself on the nose and retreated. Still yowling. Was wondering what on earth to do when a large and hairy grey mog travelling at enormous topmost speed rushed past Me and straight over the top of the BND. Which was somewhat flattened but gathered its little self together and set off in pursuit.

There were now 2 mogs at topmost speed in the garden. And out of it. And back in. Was a good moment to get Myself a snack. When I returned some time later (was a large and exceptionally well-flavoured snack that had required much attention to detail) all was quiet. OLAHF and TYF were fast asleep wrapped together under a bush. And TYK was snoring.

Need a Plan Of Campaign

She is returned home with an enormous bandage on Her knee. Walks stiffly and stretches it out on a stool when She sits down. Appeared Most Uncomfortable last night so (quite naturally) Myself went to commiserate. Wouldn't normally even consider sitting on Her lap as She wriggles so much but put aside My Own Feelings and leapt nimbly onto the sofa and thence onto Her knees. Was repelled. Fast. Furiously. And with a scream. There really is No Way of sympathising with some people. Went and scratched Myself vigorously on the chaise longue. ('Tis extremely difficult to remove My hairs from the velvet.)

This morning went to (at long last!) investigate the Noises from BND. But it had constructed a lure. As Myself walked down My side of the fence there was a tremendous scratching and scruffling and a small, yellow and hairy snake-sized lure was pushed through. Myself leapt in the air and it was withdrawn. Sat and waited at a safe distance but nothing more occurred so continued down the side of the fence towards His shed. Suddenly - more scratchings and out it came again. Waggled a bit, went away and the Noises started. Horrendous and loud as ever. Seem to echo around My head most horribly. Took Myself to His shed via a slightly circuitous route through the irises and sniffed at a small hole close to the path. Immediately the lure appeared accompanied by much yowling. And He appeared from His shed. Picked Myself up and went to put me on top of the fence. Wasn't going to be treated with such an entire lack of ceremony so I scratched His beard (Most Satisfactory if a little rough) and He replaced Myself on the ground. Quickly. Returned to My house for a much-needed snack and time to Plan the Campaign. Shall go see TB for advice. Such an Enormous and Dangerous unknown beast will require at least 2 of Us to subdue it. Maybe even 3.

Oddnesses

Hhmmm. She was up terribly early and out - But He stayed home. Something very odd going on here. Shall just have to postpone the investigation of the BND (Beast Next Door) to another time. Such a shame. The noises are increasing by the day in variety and volume. As are the scratchings. Must be Horrendously Huge - Hope My fence survives the onslaught.

At last TB's head has resumed its normal beagle shape. No more lump and no more headache - 'Till the next time it tries to emulate OLAHF at topmost speed.

He gave Myself breakfast instead of Her which was rather odd as He generally takes no notice of Myself until lunch time. (Which is also odd. But there you go. Maybe He doesn't wake up 'til then.) But - Jelly! Fish flavoured! Heaven!

Investigation Postponed - What a Disappointment

Went to investigate the Noises emanating from the other side of the fence. They were even louder and more appalling than the day before and even more varied and horrible. The fence is extremely high for a Kitty of superior Breeding, albeit an incredibly fit and healthy one (in spite of the lack of jelly in the food She gives Myself), but luckily He had left a few things beside the potting table. Jumped nimbly on top of the calor gas, then gracefully to the gun box propped up against it, and neatly on to the potting table. He had put several bricks on this so it was easy to ascend to the top of the fence.

All the time the Noises had been growing louder and louder in a vast crescendo (Italian musical direction) of sound accompanied by greatly agitated scratchings. It must be a Huge and Mighty Beast next door.

But just as Myself was about to leap to the top of the fence I remembered I had not yet visited TB in its Hour of Need. (Very sore head from attempting to follow OLAHF in one of its 'Hurl-Yourself-Round-The-Garden-As-Fast-As-Possible' moments a few days ago. And had failed. Painfully.) There was no choice but to postpone the investigation of the BND (Beast Next Door) and go see how TB was.

Am terribly disappointed.

Moanings

It frightens Myself, the intelligence with which I so correctly predict the outcome of a set of circumstances - Last night They were both moaning. Far far too much gardening in one day. Could have told them yesterday morning what would inevitably happen but They didn't think to ask. But moaning: how childish.

The noises from the other side of the fence are increasing in both volume and frequency. And with practice more sounds are being added to the repertoire. It made sleep after lunch a complete impossibility - Had just settled under the cherry tree when it started: yowling and yodelling; moaning and muttering. And scratching at the fence. 'Twas truly Appalling. Myself cannot think what kind of Large Animal makes such noises. Shall go investigate soon.

Why oh why oh why cannot She get it into Her head that Myself ONLY LIKES THE JELLY? Breakfast this morning was gross. Beef casserole! I ask you, who on earth thinks beef casserole is healthy food for a Kitty of Superior Breeding (even if there are no papers to prove it)?

TB is deeply unhappy about the lump on its head and complains mightily. And loudly.

Clearings

All up horribly early - They are aiming to Sort The Garden today which probably means They will both be crippled and in severe pain by this evening. (ONN might be objectionable but has the right idea when it comes to heavy work - Employs MM to do it for him. Though never to his complete satisfaction.)

Spent some time staring at the robin which stared back for a while and then flew away - Obviously remembered its place in the hierarchy as it stopped scolding Myself. Blue tits are made of sterner stuff however and Myself imagines it will take Some Time before their bad manners are cleared up. Mental note to sit close to laburnum and terrify them into submission.

Listened to the odd sounds coming from next door last night. Have No Idea what could be making them - Muttery, yowly, murmury, and slightly nasal, all at the same time. And it scratches at the fence panels too. A view from the top of the fence is called for.

OLAHF is still racing around at topmost speed, presumably with a jammed accelerator and TB joined in last night. But not for long. A geriatric beagle simply cannot turn corners easily. Luckily He has a spare glass pane for the greenhouse and cleared up the mess before She saw it. Unluckily TB appears to have a headache.

Rather a Lot To Be Done

TB and OLAHF were beside themselves with joy at My return. TB wagged its tail so hard its whole body trembled and little bits of drool splattered from its mouth - Myself took a step backwards, just in case - and OLAHF celebrated by running around the garden at the topmost speed its hairy legs could achieve. (Shame about the gladioli. But they will look very pretty in a vase.)

Was conducted on a Grand Tour of the locality. Not much has changed apart from many many exuberant weeds which They will Not Be Happy About. Our chickens' pen has not been moved for a while and consequently there are several Interesting Diggings which Myself will investigate later on. The blue tits have grown exceedingly cheeky - Didn't even pause in their destruction of a fat ball on the laburnum bush as Myself walked past - and the robin has Quite Forgotten its place in the scheme of things. (Chuttered and scolded at Me. In My own garden. How rude.) Seems as though there is rather a lot to be done.

Paused by the back of YP's garden fence. We all 3 could hear extremely Odd Sounds emanating from within. Marked them down as Something Else To Be Checked Out Later.

Breakfast included jelly. Very nice indeed.

Is Returned

Is returned from My Summer Break - rested, calm, well-fed and wonderfully scrubbled by that girl who was still working there. (She remembered Myself from last year too.) Was housed again away from the Common Herd so there was No Chance of the repeat of last year's Unfortunate Incident with that under-bred mog. But in the adjacent run there was a pair of aged Manx kitties: Very deferential, didn't importune Myself, only approached when invited. Poor things - Very stiff and couldn't help looking Terribly Silly with long back legs and no tails not to mention being somewhat floculent. (Myself is not surprised they were kept largely out of view of all visitors.)

On My return checked out the garden and heard OLHF and TB but was too tired from the long journey to greet them. All seems well but there were several unidentified sounds from where YP (Yellow Peril) used to live.

Perfectly Correct As Usual

Myself was perfectly correct as usual. They are taking their Summer Break so that Myself can visit the highly superior Kitty Hotel. (There are times when They can organise Themselves around My needs and desires. Just wish They could manage it more often.)

'Tis an idyllic place - My own house, bedding and run with fresh water and tender grass at all times; a scratching post; carpet on top of the house should Myself wish to snooze up there; and Best Of All, Jelly in My food for every meal. Was only marred last year by a mog of No Breeding and Even Worse Manners which stayed in the run next door. The Unfortunate Incident through the wire however meant that Myself was up-graded elsewhere, away from the Common Herd.

This morning She has washed out My travelling box and put in it My favourite blanket which indicates We shall soon be leaving. Only wish Myself had kept one of OLAHF's feathers as it would have given such a Good Impression upon My arrival.

Joy

Such a wonderfully joyous day yesterday. Myself, TB and OLAHF are re-united. Thanks to My clever idea about the feathers.

TB returned its feather to OLAHF as it got a sneezing fit every time it tried to play with it. Returned to the Throwing Shoe - which is now a manky and damp remnant and not improved by being buried for a while. (That beagle has extremely odd tastes. Can't stand the thought of it Myself. Breeding always tells.) TB then sat and stared very hard at Myself until I returned My feather too. OLAHF was ecstatic and played with them for ages. (We kept our distance as being hit by a large and hairy mog travelling in circles at enormous speed is not something We wish repeated.)

Late yesterday afternoon it was still going strong. 'Tis a joy to know OLAHF is back to Full Happiness and even though it kept Myself awake for quite some time during My post-lunch siesta I do not wish to Spoil The Moment. (But hope it calms down soon.)

Chez Moi (French) They are packing suitcases. Which indicates a stay for Myself in the Kitty Hotel. Such a lovely place - My every wish is catered for. Hope the girl who knows Just How to Scrubble a Kitty of Great Breeding Whilst Maintaining Its Dignity is still there. And hope the evil-minded Ugly Mog that caused such a contretemps (French again) last year is not taking its holiday at the same time.

Myself Has a Wonderful Idea

Myself and TB talked long and very seriously about what We could do for poor OLAHF. (Sorrowfully stayed put under its hedge all day yesterday again.) Was dreadfully hard to keep TB on track. Couldn't keep its little beagle brain on the subject for more than 30 seconds at a time. In the end it just wandered off. Myself was about to get Very Cross at its thoughtless and un-helpful attitude when it re-appeared carrying OLAHF's 3 pheasant feathers - Rather tatty and damp having been left by the shed for a couple of days, but more or less intact. It put them on the ground obviously expecting Myself to come up with an idea.

We carried them round to the hedge and put them on the ground. Could just see OLAHF's sad eyes watching Us from the gloom as it sat there. We went away and waited. For a very long time. But nothing happened.

Later that afternoon was awoken by a noisy rustling. And a snarling. And the sound of a large and hairy mog going round in circles. Fast and very heavily.

TB was already there with a smile and the remaining portion of its Throwing Shoe which it had dropped by the feathers, and Myself went and joined them both. Took along a morsel of mouse I had been saving for a snack. (If OLAHF didn't want it Myself could always bring it back again. Unluckily it was extremely hungry. But Myself doesn't really grudge it very much on this occasion.)

Unfathomable Joy all round. And each of Us now has Our own feather.

Not Sulking But Sorrowful

Myself was Wrong. Horribly wrong. Having kept as far away from OLAHF as possible following its disgraceful behaviour with TB and the feather I sneaked a quick look at it yesterday. Was still skulking and sulking in the bushes but seemed a little brighter than the day before. Was wondering how long it would be before We could consider admitting it back into Our Friendship Circle when I noticed it had found a dead leaf. Carried it in its mouth for a bit and then placed it on the ground and watched it. A tiny breeze stirred it into movement and OLAHF was transformed: Snarling, bouncing up and down; hair all on end; round and round it went. Just as with the feather.

OLAHF was playing.

It must have been Totally Destroyed by Our Behaviour. Is not sulking but sorrowful.

What have We done? Myself does not know what to do to put things right again.

Skulking and Sulking

OLAHF is keeping a low profile. Skulking in the thick bushes in its own garden and occasionally muttering to itself. Doesn't want to see anyone and after its behaviour I am certainly not going to visit. Myself is wondering whether it is actually Horribly Embarrassed by its own behaviour or just Sulking. TB - that kindly geriatric beagle - pushed the 3 pheasant tail feathers to the side of the shed where they would be safe until OLAHF decides to return.

The original owner of the feathers paid Us a visit yesterday. Looks Totally Silly without its tail and when it tries to fly is All Over the Place - Can't get any height, can't steer and can't land with any dignity. Personally speaking if Myself was making such a hoo-ha of a simple thing like flying I would only indulge in it where nobody could see Me. (But then not everyone has Such Delicate Sensibilities as Myself, a Kitty of Superior Breeding even if I have no papers to prove it. OLAHF might have far too many papers proving its provenance but they didn't help it behave with even a small suggestion of good manners.)

Ballistic

There has been a Very Serious Falling-Out between OLAHF and TB:

OLAHF dropped one of its 3 Fred feathers it has been parading round with for a couple of days. Didn't notice until TB found it. Carried it to OLAHF to return it and the mog went ballistic. For a mog of (so-called) Superior Breeding the language was appalling. Poor TB was utterly bemused - Sat down, put the feather carefully on the floor and waited. OLAHF surrounded it on all sides, hair all over the place, and snarled, spat and shouted. All at the same time. 'Twas horrendous.

Finally He came from picking up the windfall apples to see what was happening. Lifted OLAHF with the big fork He was using and tossed it hairily to one side. It ran away. Fast. TB was patted kindly on the head and taken indoors for a small snack. (In which Myself shared.)

Late last night there were 3 soggy Fred feathers lying on the grass but no sign of OLAHF.

Simple Pleasures

OLAHF is guarding the remaining 2 Fred feathers from all-comers. As if it had actually caught (and eaten) the entire pheasant. Myself is certain that the excess of hair has addled its brain. (It might have far too many Papers proving its breeding but that counts for naught without the matching intelligence which Myself has in Such Abundance.)

TB cannoned into the apple tree and brought down rather a lot of apples onto its unsuspecting head. Didn't seem to mar its simple pleasure in the Game however. Which continues.

They are terribly pleased with the cover She made for the crystal ball on a chicken foot. Myself cannot understand why. P'raps I should investigate more fully.